The FaFU: a guide to everything in sports (and otherwise) that deserves a quick slap to the face to wake up, snap out of it and to not suck.  It’s like a motivational poster with more swearing and was less inspiration.  We’re thinking this might run weekly… If not, then we’ll run The FaFU in The FaFU and the time-space continuum may very well shatter.

Ro Sham Oh-I'm-fucked

10)  Lance Armstrong – Stop falling off your bike, Lance.  You’re supposed to ride it over the finish line with raised arms donning a yellow jersey.  Comebacks are worth nothing if you can’t win.  Just ask MJ or Roger Clemens… except for those times that they “un-retired” and still lost.  Just take some of that HGH like before to heal up that collar bone real nice like.

9)  Inspirational Stories – I don’t need your inspiration.  I have my own, it’s in my pocket.  Here, let me show it to you (/pulls out middle finger, Black Sheep style).  You can take that with you.  If you’re going to preach something to the world actions speak louder than words and my middle finger yells loudest.  I don’t need to weep while watching your stories of walking the holes at each major or destroying the competition at wrestling meets even though you have one leg.  That’s not real wrestling!  Nobody got smashed over the head with a folding chair.  It’s a disgrace!

8)  Texans GM Rick Smith – Stop signing Detroit Lions to multi-year deals!!!  They went 0-16 last year.  That zero means they didn’t win a single game.  They couldn’t even beat the Texans last year!  How’s that for futility?!  You’re doing your best Matt Millen impression and it’s scaring the shit out of me.  What?  Are you going to sign 3 wide receivers this draft too?!  Asshole.

7)  A “Chalk” NCAA Tournament – Note to the NCAA.  Your refusal to include the Houston Cougars into the fold left me no choice but to pick a desperate 12 seed to shake up this tournament and make it more interesting to me.  And you know what happened.  THEY ALL GOT KNOCKED OUT (except Arizona, but we don’t count them because Aubrey Coleman only counts them splattered beneath his shoe).  Where is Cinderella?  I have her glass slipper right here in my pocket and all you left me with is the 500-pound gorillas of college basketball.

6)  Aston Villa – I adopted you as my Premier League team out of kindness for my Irish mate.  How do you repay me?  By getting bent over on the middle of the pitch and raped by Stephen Gerrard and the rest of Liverpool.  I’m American.  I’m not even supposed to like soccer.  I can tell you what I dislike though, you, Villa.  You and Carew need to be taken behind the shed for a good ol’ American whooping with an axe handle.  That’s pride.  Get some.

5)  Sox and Dawgs – You posted my Break Up Letter and nobody clicked on it!  Why not!!  It was genius.  People loved it.  It was a thing of beauty.  I have been approached on the street every day this week with people weeping because it touched home.  Your readers are stupid and should not be allowed to have computers.  They are dead to me.  To make it up to us, we will accept you changing all links on your page to be redirected to Fourth and Fifty.

4)  Cats with Monocles – Stop sitting there all smug, cat.  Wipe that look off your face before I do it for you.  You’re all uppity with a single, prescription lens in one eye.  There’s no room for that.  Are you going to ask me for a “bit of tea and a crumpet” next?  I only serve one kind of crumpet and it comes complimentary with my fist to your face.

3)  Choreographed Pregame Introductions – Tweet Tweet, this just in:  Shaq needs to shut his pie-hole.  Nobody cares who has a better pregame skit: the Big Cactus bowling or King James taking imaginary photos of the Cavs.  Shaqtus Maximus needs to Shaqthefuckupopus.  Stop talking, stop tweeting, stop eating (you’re getting fat).  Just play the game you’re paid to.  I’m surprised that David Stern hasn’t put the kabosh on your show of individuality yet anyway.  This is not the “NBA’s Production of A Comedy of Errors.”  Sit on the bench or post up on the block.

2)  The College Basketball Invitational – Stop calling.  No means NO!!  Get it through your thick skull.  We don’t want what you’re selling.  Stop going behind our back and telling our friends that you’ll still invite us even though we’ve explicitly said “Fuck Your Tournament.”  We don’t want none.  We broke up once already.  Don’t make me do it again.  (But, when I’m lonely can I still give you a call to see how you’re doing?)  Get the hint:

1)  Indian Cricket League – DON’T LET THE TERRORISTS WIN!  WHEN THE TERRORISTS SAY THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU, YOU GET THEM FIRST!!  YOU HAVE BATS AND SHINGUARDS AND GOOGLYS!!! YOU ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH!  WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE ARE YOU TRYING TO SEND THE WORLD?!  I WON’T HAVE YOU ROLLING OVER FOR SOME “THREATS” MADE BY SOME BAD GUYS!!! 9/11!!!!!!  NEVER FORGET!

- Septimus Rex

[Photo from ipostr.com]