The FaFU: a guide to everything in sports (and otherwise) that deserves a quick punch in the face right before enjoying that delicious soft pretzel.  It’s in descending order because FUCK ascending order lists.  Why does #1 always get to be #1?  #5 deserves a shot a glory too.  For those of you about to read, we salute you…

10) Twitter – Why must you make the world so connected?  Professional athletes are Tweeting from the locker room during half time.  At restaurants when they think other Twitteronians are there.  Coaches are wasting precious time making videos imploring famous alumni to get tweeter-rific.  Go away!  Give me back my two tin cans and string.

9)  SMU Mustangs – You cannot stop Case Keenum.  And, you sure as hell won’t be able to contain him with a switch to the 3-4 defense.  This is an exercise in futility.  You’re only hope is to employ the dark arts to stop the Houston Cougars this year.  Wiccans and an extra linebacker will not save you!

8)  Sweatpants – You’re not holding guns like you’re supposed to.  I expect a snug, if not tight, grip on the cold hard steel that I lodge between my abdomen and your elastic band.  You should not be insecure and causing firearms to shoot off in the middle of the club into the meaty part of Plaxico’s thigh!  Why are you not more conscientious of his leg, career and NRA endorsements?!  He could go to jail because of your inability to perform simple tasks.  How’s that for an albatross around your neck?

7)  Vince – I don’t know you by any other name than “Vince the Sham Wow Dude.”  You were my inspiration.  I have never been so intrigued by a piece of cloth until you came into my life.  Then the Slap Chop?  Genius!  Next, the Punch the Prostitute in the Face?  It’s not working for me, man.  You’re supposed to be role model!  My whole world is upside down right now!!  MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING!! [Ed. Note - I recommend headphones for the following video - may be NSFW because of the repeated use of the word "cock"]

6)  Billy Gillispie – Abilene, Texas is not proud.  They’re downright ashamed.  Flabbergasted.  Abilonians don’t run away from a fight (or an interview).  They stand up and take it on the chin like a man.  Then they curb-stomp the interviewer.  Abilenites don’t smile like a cock-sure cock after getting sacked either.  This is downright insulting to Texas.  When we secede from the nation under the flag of Chuck Norris you will not be asked back.

5)  Dude with a motorized bar-stool – What in the FUCK is your problem?!  How are you going to hide this from the world?  This is the most important invention since gravity!  You can’t just keep it to yourself.  It’s three steps ahead of the motorized cooler.  Now you have to go ruin it by crashing it after drinking 15 beers.  Look, buddy, if you can’t drive that thing after 15 beers you don’t deserve it.  I could handle it after twenty-five Lone Star and four Irish Car Bombs.  Pathetic!

4)  “Green Death” Parents – You are NINCOMPOOPS!!!!  “Green Death” is a perfect name for a 7 year old girls’ soccer squad.  You let this coach, mentor, HERO go after quite possibly the best pre-season tune-up e-mail EVER!  I’ve never been so shocked or awed… I’m so shocked and awed I’m going to combine those two words into a new hybrid word intended only for caps lock and multiple exclamation points: AWCKED!!!!  (The whole e-mail here…. I highly recommend reading it… This is exactly the e-mail that THE Random Guy would write to the parents)

3)  April Fool’s Day – It’s not a real holiday.  I don’t get the day off.  I don’t get to go home early.  My mom doesn’t send me a card with a lottery ticket in it.  WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TITLE?  From now on, every day that isn’t a bank holiday is declared Septimus MoFo’n Rex Day.  It’s glorious.  I’ll even keep you on board April Fool’s Day, but only if you inspire more montage videos of pranks.

2)  John Calipari – Why is your hair so oily?!  You slick bastard.  Is that the only reason you’re considering the move to Kentucky?  You’ll be a little bit closer to share grooming tips with Rick Pitino?  You can’t consort with the enemy!  That’s an inter-state rivalry that must be held in the highest virility!  The head coaches will not be in Bed Head (get it, like the hair products?) together.

1)  ADVERTISERS – YOU TOOK OVER OUT SITCOMS, OUR HIGHWAY SKY, OUR ICE-RINK BOARDS… YOU CANNOT HAVE OUR UNIFORMS!!  IT WON’T HAPPEN.  UNIFORM ADVERTISEMENTS ARE FOR NINNIES THAT PLAY FUUUUUTBOL AND DRIVERS THAT CAN ONLY TURN LEFT AND THE MOST CLASSY OF PROSTITUTES!!  I WILL NOT SEE A “RHEEM” ADVERTISEMENT ON MATT SCHAUB’S BACK.  THAT’S FOR MATT’S WIFE and/or GIRLFRIEND TO DECIDE!!!

- Septimus Rex

[Picture from the ever favorite FailBlog]