The FaFU: a guide to everything in sports (and otherwise) that needs a little levity.  To achieve this high-brow form of criticism we use a mixture of CAPS LOCK and cursing.  If you don’t like it, feel free to hammer a pineapple up your ass.  For those of you about to read, we salute you…

10) Shingo Katayama – Hey, homie.  You’re too old for this shit.  I don’t mean the golf shit.  I mean this ridiculous hat shit.  You’re 36, on the PGA tour and Japanese.  Tell me where it says that you’re related to Samuel L. Jackson or Crocodile Dundee.  Nowhere, that’s where!  Time to cut it out.  You’re not impressing anyone.

9) Ping Pong – Oh, you want me to call you “table tennis” now?  Too good for the onomatopoeia?!  Yeah, I thought so.  Ok, PING PONG, what’s with spitting out 6 year-old prodigies!  Are you going to throw in a “she’s the Tiger Woods of table tennis PING PONG” at me?  I’m not buying it.  It’s not a real video (but it is) and you’re not a real sport.  You belong in the bar with curling (that’s my idea, don’t steal it… a Curling Bar! YEAH!).

8) Texas’ Sovereignty – WELL?  Are we or aren’t we?!  Stop giving me this rigamaroll.  I need to know.  What’s happening?!?  When will Chuck Norris rise up and lead us to the promised land?  Things need to happen, and they NEED TO HAPPEN NOW!  You stay out of our shit, USA.  We know it don’t stink.  You don’t need to verify that for us.

7) Astros – You should be higher on this list, Big Puma and crew.  You WILL move higher on this list if you do not promptly remove thy head from thy corn hole.  2009 is our year.  It’s Houston’s year.  I will not be having you fuck this up.  You WILL make the playoffs.  Hear me?  WILL.  Not “won’t” or “can’t” or “my vagina hurts too much.”  You WILL.

6) Business Card Dude – You know what I do guaranteed?  I’m guaranteed to kick your ass into oblivion.  I don’t even have a business card.  Why?  Because I’m a blogger, bitch.  People know me by my website.  I’m famous.  My moniker was given to me by the heavens.  You can’t even put it on a lousy business card because it will burst into flames when it’s power is reduced to print.  Suck on THAT!!

5) Deadspin – You can’t be putting up pictures of the former First Lady on your website with these brutish headlines.  Fourth and Fifty will not stand for it.  We stand for honor, valiance and penile envy jokes!  The Bush family is all we’ve got.  We will not stand idly by as you drag them through the dirt.  They read our site regularly.  George the Elder is about to become a contributor.  It’s all in the works*.  Now lay off!

4) Sasha Vujacic – “Sasha” is a girl’s name, you prick.  Keep the coveted “Phi Slamma Jamma” title out of your mouth.  Never (EVER) say it again.  I don’t care how funny you think you are.  I don’t care if you “go get a milk-shakey with Kobe.”  He’s a turd too.  But, what I’m really mad about is that we haven’t created a video like this for Scola or, better yet, Dikembe Mutumbo.  Man… the hilarity… it would be too much.

3) Facebook Recruiting – NCAA, there’s nothing to see here.  It’s Facebook, dudes.  It’s not a booster paradise.  I can’t even effectively pick up women on the site.  How do you think a little group titled, “[Highly Sought-after Recruit] Kristin Holsman will Suck You Off If You Commit” is going to bring in the talent.  Kristin’s not even that good.  Her heart’s in the right place, but it was all slobber and teeth.  [Highly Sought-after Recruit] probably had better than that in Junior High. [Ed. Note - Kristin Holsman doesn't exist... But, if she does, tell her I said "what's up and if you want to come over and give it another shot you know where to find me.]c,

2) Philadelphia – NO!  No, no, no, No, NO!  Someone save me.  I’m a reformed fan.  I’m nice now.  I don’t throw batteries or poison the opposing team’s Gatorade (excuse me, “G”) anymore.  I changed all that.  You can’t make me move back.  YOU CAN’T MAKE ME MOVE BACK!  Fuck you, job.

1) Ninja Basketballers - Ron Artest bows to you and your fan punch-enacity.  He took on one.  You took on one-hundred.  To this he salutes you.  Ime Udoka, you have sated the beast of the Rockets (and formerly the Kings and Pacers).  I was going to be mad about this, but you really can’t get mad when you see the foot fist way in action.  It’s like getting pissed when there’s too much awesome ass-kicking in a Chuck Norris flick.  (The original telling of this story is found here)

- Septimus Rex

* = Definitely not in the works.

[Photo from HolyTaco a quite hilarious site]