Septimus Rex
Reginald Blackstone
Pipez
wanksmacgruber
Josh Being Josh
Moose Knuckle
To those of you that visit our fair site, we thank you. For those of you that come here just to start some shit, get fucked. We don’t need none. Stop sipping the Kool-Aid. Oh Yeah? OH NO! NOT IN MY HOUSE.
But, because our legal counsel has decided that answering phone calls at Sunday is just not part of the job I have no just course of action except to take down the “offending” post, “Cougars Set to Sweep Semi-Legitimate College Football Awards.” From the e-mail in which we were “served” (emphasis added, other stuff redacted):
NOTICE
The article “Cougars Set to Sweep Semi-Legitimate College Football Awards” published May 2, 2009 on Bleacher Report and Fourth and Fifty is damaging to the [REDACTED] Awards. The damages from this article include the unauthorized use of copyrighted material, the identification of specific parties by name, and the defamation of these parties through pejorative falsehoods and explicit sexual obscenities.
Author(s) of this content may be liable if the [REDACTED] Awards encounters difficulty soliciting sponsorships or modeling contracts. Accordingly, it is requested that all content be removed immediately to prevent further harm; the [REDACTED] Law Firm specializes in intellectual property sports law and asserts itself aggressively to prevent intellectual property infringement.
General Counsel, [REDACTED] Awards:
The [REDACTED] Law Firm PLLC [ADDRESS REDACTED] Charlotte, North Carolina [ZIP REDACTED] PH:[REDACTED] FAX:[REDACTED]
Thanks a lot [REDACTED] Law Firm. You guys are a bunch of [REDACTED]. Stop trying to take away from our fun. Stop pissing in our sandbox. We’ve said it once, but I’ll say it again: “Houston. Sports. Satire.” God put us on this earth to piss people off by making fun of them on the internet. And, obviously, you don’t think that we are trying to hold ourselves to any standard at all.
“Pejorative falsehoods and sexual obscenities?” You’re talking to five guys that could turn Hicory Dickory Dock into a sexual innuendo unfit for your children before you can blink. It’s just plain old insulting to think that we don’t know our true capabilities. You do not want to full wrath of Fourth and Fifty unleashed upon you.
How are we NOT going to make fun of college awards when this is your official website? That’s just ridiculous. Ours is quite shitty itself, but we’re not giving out trophies or trying to be legitimate. If anything you should have sent us a letter THANKING US for furthering your cause. You’re brand new in the scary world of phallic trophies. Fifteen more people (at least most) know about you now that we gave you a little bit of free publicity.
You win. We give up. May we never meet again.
FaF Legal Counsel, you’re fired.
- S. Rex: Profesional Blogger
[Image from REWIND vs. The World (please don't sue us too)]
12 Comments
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What kind of lawyer doesn’t include their own name in an email?
It’s also very interesting that the email came from an email address that didn’t belong to either one of the lawyers. The law firm has two lawyers, and it lists both of their email addresses. The email came from a gmail account. The lawyers don’t have gmail accounts.
I’m insulted that you’re insulted, Reginald.
I like the term “pejorative falsehoods”. It works better than “lies”. I hope that shit isn’t copyrighted because I’m going to use the fuck out of it.
I take great issue with your suggestion, Rex, that we aren’t going to try to give out awards. That is a motherfucking pejorative falsehood. I give out awards every night, if you know what I mean. It means I have a lot of sex, and the women enjoy it.
Can one really get “served” in an e-mail? I thought one had to be identified by name and handed a letter.
Perhaps an attorney that’s (obviously) lurking can opine.
As someone who has watched Law and Order on no less than 7 different occasions, I will say I object!
Not sure where I was going with that.
Well, regardless, one can get threatened with legal action for anything, apparently.
People I am going to sue:
1) The maker of crab grass
2) El Rat for not negotiating a better contract. I’ve outplayed my rookie contract, Rex, make me a max offer or I’ll start sulking and bringing morale down.
3) Reginald Blackstone for being too classy and making the rest of us look like douches
you ain’t getting shit… you brought the bad voodoo upon us
True story:
So I’m hitting balls this afternoon at the range wearing generic UH t-shirt.
This guy asked “Did you go to U of H?”.
“Yeah”.
“Did you graduate?”
:unamused:
Perhaps if you underlined ’satire’ in “Houston. Sports. Satire.” it’d help. You know, prima fascie, and all that…or prima nocte. I can never tell those two apart.
The “chilling effect” blows…at any rate, in order to cite defamation, one of the aforementioned would have to prove that one of us (i.e. your five readers) actually cares, or at least has some rudimentary brain function…
“He’s insulting the both of us…”
Also, I was fairly certain until now that “explicit sexual obscenities” were a good thing…hmm…now I have to revise my entire world view…