I drive a Dodge Stratus!!!

That isn’t some sort of pun or triple entendre. Kobe Bryant is a mean, vindictive asshole who takes everything personally and he is going to come out and break shit in game 5. S. Rex, Professional Blogger* really hit the nail on the head. I really am scared of what Kobe is going to do in game 5. Probably 38, 7, and 4 in a blowout. Shane Battier et al have done their best to not rouse the Black Mamba, but thanks to stupid Michael Lewis, Kobe has all the motivation he’ll ever need. Don’t think for a second that article isn’t posted in Kobe’s locker and above his bed like the Jonas Brothers poster above Reginald Blackstone’s bed. Kobe is a control freak. Just look at this transcript from a recent conversation he had at dinner with his family:

Vanessa: Thanks for this $4 million ring. I’d almost forgotten about the adultery. Just kidding. You know women don’t forget anything, ever.

Kobe: You do not talk to me like that! I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

The Daughter with the Afro Puff: Daddy, why did you get beat so bad by the Yao-less Rockets in game 4?

Kobe: I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

The Other Daughter: Daddy, why didn’t you get 1st row tickets to Hannah Montannah? 4th row? Really? What’s next, we move into Section 8 Housing? And what’s up with the Dodge Stratus?

Kobe: You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!! You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

End manuscript. What a control freak. Here are some more random thoughts…

Raise your hand if during the preseason you said “as Aaron Brooks goes, so goeth the Rockets”. If you have your hand raised: you’re a liar and a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid my eyes on ya. In order of importance, when the season started, this is how everyone, including you, thought it would go. Yao, McGrady, Artest, Battier, Rafer, Scola, Landry, Brent Barry, Aaron Breezey, Chuck Wagon, and maybe Deke.

An up-to-date (“real time”, as the kids say) list looks like this:  Scola, Breezey, Artest, Battier, Wafer, Landry, Lowry, Chuck, Injured Giants, Brian Cook, Double Chin Playoff Beard McGrady. A little different, eh?

I’m perpetually worried about another piss poor Artest game, which game 4 was, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have another one right up his sleeve for game 5. Double negative, foolz.

We’ll live and die by the 3 for the rest of the playoffs. The thing is, we didn’t shoot tremendously well from beyond the arc (10-29). Another stressor adding to my growing Rockets ulcer.

The Random prediction: Lakers win in a blowout in game 5, Rox squeak by at home in game 6 thanks to a faithful bandwagon crowd, and God only knows about game 7.

Lastly, I don’t think Aaron Brooks and the rest of the Rockets should be able to refer to Tracy McGrady as “Mac”. Call him Tracy – a woman’s name for a woman’s game. There are only 3 people who can be called Mac:

1. FaF’s own W-Mac.
2. This guy:
3. The miggita miggita miggita miggita Mac Daddy:

*Septimus Rex actually goes by the nickname “Sexy Rexy”, which is fantastic because it sounds like something that a high school girls’ softball team would write in car chalk on the window of their captain’s Jeep Grand Cherokee, right next to “Seniors ‘09″.

Picture from here: http://uvtblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/vanessa-bryant.jpg. Please don’t sue us.