Can you pretend you like hockey?  Just for a second?  Just to see how it feels?

The NHL... Where "Small Market Teams" happens.

Let’s be honest.  I’m writing this post before Detroit seizes up the Western Conference Championship.  Am I worried that I’m going to jinx them?  Fuck. And. No.  I’m a Philadelphia Flyers fan.  The thing I’m least concerned about doing is jinxing the team that swept my heroes in 1997; the only Stanley Cup that I’ve seen them play.  Enough about my bitterness…

If you haven’t been watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs up until this point, you’ve been missing out.  The NHL post-season always seems to be rife with upsets.  This year, in the West, the #1 seeded San Jose Sharks were shanked by the 8th seeded Anaheim Mighty Ducks and in the East a 6th seeded Carolina Hurricanes squad made it all the way to the Eastern Conference Championship.

Going into the Finals, Gary Bettman has his wet-dream match-up of Detroit and Pittsburgh.  You thought the conspiracy theories were bad in the NBA with David Stern?  Bettman is a chip off the ol’ block.  In fact, he was literally part of the the NBA Bloc as Stern’s right hand man until 1993 when he was senior vice-president and general counsel to the NBA.  So, you tell me he wasn’t hoping for a re-match of last year between America’s most storied NHL franchise, Original Six program and Hockeytown, USA’s team, Detroit and the Penguins of Pittsburgh home of the NHL’s current phenom, Sidney Crosby.  I smell ad revenue…

Let’s take a look at the opponents:

EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS
Pittsburgh Penguins (away) – Regular Season: 99 points (45 wins)

It’s probably not documented well enough… But there’s this kid on the Penguins that serves as their captain.  His name is Sidney Crosby.  I say we nickname him Sid “the Kid” and be done with it (I just trademarked that shit, bloggers and mainstream media, lay off my intellectual property).

Crosby is now in his fourth season with the Pens and has already won the Hart Mermorial, Lester B. Pearson and Art Ross trophies and awards (all last season).  He’s also led Pittsburgh to two straight Stanley Cup finals.  There’s been a lot of hype surrounding The Kid but he has lived up to most of it.  It’s easy to make the parallels between Crosby and LeBron James in this case as they both trying to fulfill the prophecies of being “The Next One” in their respective sports by winning a championship trophy.

The Penguins have made their living in the draft over the past three years.  Sure, Crosby is the brightest to shine to the mainstream media, but the other two stars that make up the Pittsburgh trifecta are Marc-Andre Fleury (2003, goalie) and Evengi Malkin (2004, who plays on Crosby’s line) as well as Jordan Staal (2006) who has not disappointed in his first three seasons.  All this means is that Pittsburgh has a talent-rich, young and possibly future-dominating core on their hands.

How They Got Here:
Defeated #5 Philadelphia Flyers, #2 Washington Capitals and #6 Carolina Hurricanes

Why They Will Win:
Did I mention the Fleury, Malkin, Crosby core?

• Sidney Crosby and the rest of The Lonely Island crew will distract Detroit with humor.  Their hilarious sketches and funny music videos such as “I’m on a Boat” and “Jizz in My Pants” should do the trick.  (See?  Because Crosby looks like Adam Samberg…)
• The Pittsburgh Penguins laugh in the face of the hockey gods.  They don’t need your traditions or superstitions.  We’re not supposed to touch the Prince of Wales Trophy?  You can go ahead and shove your out-dated traditonalist views up your ass!
• Sid the Kid ousted his personal nemesis, Alexander Ovechkin in the second round of the playoffs.  The young gun from the Capitals put up a fight but couldn’t rally his team.  There is no player on the Red Wings that matches up with Crosby skill for skill like Ovy.
• The Pens have the art of passive aggressive disrespect down (even more so than TRG).  Doing a commercial for a foreign car dealer?  Detroit, could you turn the other cheek please?  Pittsburgh would now like to introduce you to the back of their hand.
• One word: Redemption.  Last year’s Finals loss will not go unpunished.  Expect the Penguins to play with a certain fury this year.

WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS
Detroit Red Wings (home) – Regular Season: 112 points (51 wins)

If the Penguins are the young’ns trying to crash the Stanley Cup party then the Red Wings are the old next door neighbors desperately trying to keep the kids off Lord Stanley’s lawn.  The Red Wings have the highest average age in the NHL with notable roster spots going to Chris Chelios (47), Chris Osgood (36), Kris Draper (38) and the captain, Niklaus Lidstrom (39).  I can’t believe that Chelios is still in the league.  It blows my mind.  He was on the first NHL video game that I bought oh so long ago.

The men in red and white are winners of 11 Stanley Cups over the years.  They were one of the Original Six teams of the NHL giving them a bit of an advantage, but still…  That’s a lot of hardware.  The Montreal Canadiens lead all teams with 24 Stanlye Cups and Toronto is second with 13 titles, but we hardly count them being they’re from Canada and all.  Detroit is America’s most prominent franchise (being that we tend to make excuses for Detroit and continue to bail them out even if they’re failing).

Detroit is appearing in it’s 18th straight playoffs this season, the longest streak in any professional sport.  They’re used to the Stanley Cup pressure and know a thing or two about repeating as champions (being the last to do it in ’97 and ’98).

How They Got Here:
Defeated #7 Columbus Blue Jackets, #8 Anaheim Ducks and #5 Chicago Blackhawks

Why They Will Win:
Did I mention that Detroit’s ability to win the Stanley Cup has an inverse relationship to the quality of their cars?

• Detroit has to win the Stanley Cup in order to save the city.  Since Michigan State couldn’t step up to the plate against UNC this year and the Pistons decided that a trade of Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson was a good idea, the Red Wing’s are the only hope.
• The Red Wings have the power of the Octopus on their side.  There isn’t a more gross/cool tradition in the NHL.  Sure, Florida Panthers fans tried to copy it by throwing rats on the ice (scroll down to “Rat Story”), but they were not even real rats.
• They got the nickame Red Wings because they don’t mind playing through the periods… think about it… (thanks[?], Pipez)
• Experience.  You have a 47 year old on your team.  Chris Chelios puts Brett Favre to shame (and he didn’t even have to retire/un-retire a ton of times).  The captain is a 39 year old man, not a 21 year old punk.  Chris Osgood, seasoned vet, is playing between the pipes and has done so on three Stanley Cup winners.
• If the Red Wings do not win, Detroit will die.  DIE!  Is this not clear?!  What do they have to look forward to?  The Lions?  The Detroit Shock?  The Fury (they died in 2004)?  The economy’s re-invigoration?  If you have a heart and a love for America, you will adopt the Red Wings during this Stanley Cup Final.

FOURTH and FIFTY STANLEY CUP PREDICTION:

Look, we’re a satirical sports blog in Houston.  By no means are we qualified to write about the Stanley Cup.  However, that hasn’t stopped us from “covering” the NBA, NFL, NCAA, Cricket, IHL, MLS, Jai alai, MLB, UEFA, WNBA, Curling Championships, et al..

We’re sold on the American Dream… Or, at least, we’re sold on the survival of America.  The prophets in Washing DC have told us that the key to turning around the economy lays in Detroit and needs to be stuck into the ignition of a Ford, Chevy, Chrysler vehicle.  Ford and Saturn have already said they will cover my car payment for a number of months if I lose my job (which is a game I’ve already played once this year).  It’s time to return the favor…

Detroit Red Wings in Seven Games.

- Septimus Rex
(w/ dirty, dirty input from Pipez)

[Photos from here and here and here]