PWNAGE!!1!!!@#!

It’s a good thing that the Dow Jones has idled before hitting the 10K mark.  For one, that means I can still order the “Stimulus Brownie” at Barnaby’s (which isn’t the only kind of stimulus you can find there… ZING!).  It also means that baseball teams have an excuse as to why their attendance is down from last year.

According the the Chron today, the Astros are suffering from some pretty meager numbers in the stands.  Last night’s win over the Rockies recorded only 24,106 spectators (the second lowest this season).  Roy Oswalt was on the mound;  the Astros’ ace and they can’t draw more than 25k (not that I was there either).

The players have a better handle on the situation.  In the article Oswalt and Miguel Tejada were interviewed by journalist Jose de Jesus Ortiz (awesome name, by the way) both saying that to draw bigger crowds the Astros need to win games.  Management, on the other hand, may have their head in the sand.  Pam Gardner, president of business operations, is quoted as saying, “I think it’s too early to say it’s team performance” – though, it’s probably smart for the front office to keep from criticising the quality of play on the field.

But, just in case the economy truly is the reason that the Astros can get asses in the seats (and not their .400 win percentage at Minute Maid Park), Fourth and Fifty is here to help:

• First Come, First Serve Seating – I’m sorry George H.W. and Barbara, if you can’t get to the game five hours in advance you don’t deserve to have your usual seats behind home plate.  It’s only fair.  Celebrity means very little in the race for the primo seats… Unless you’re driving a Chevy Celebrity to the game five hours early.
• Dynamic Pricing (FaF-style) – I’m not talking real Dynamic Pricing or anything like that.  The San Francisco Giants might already be trying that out and finding some success with it, but I think it’s crap.  Let’s say you base the value of your ticket on the margin of victory.  Face value for wins, one dollar returned to fans for every run in the margin of a loss.  This might lead to more fans for the opposing side, but all we’re worried about here is a headcount, right?
• Open Door Policy – Stop being so exclusive.  Along with the proposed FCFS Seating, unlatch the locks to those gates keeping the fans from the bullpen and dugout.  With this talk about Money Ball and sabermetrics and all that, it might be time to look for the next big thing.  I call it Open Source Franchise Management [© Septimus Rex, 2009].  Having an immense and more diverse group manage the line-up card and relief pitchers might offer the solution to your losing woes (plus, maybe you won’t have players batting out of order because of line-up card confusion, Cecil Cooper).  Don’t even stop at game management… Bring the fans into the head offices.  I have a couple ideas about Astros Cheerleaders (a couple ladies at Treasures are inquiring).
• Fan Picked Pitches – I’m envisioning something along the lines of Who Wants to be a Millionaire on this one.  Outfit each of the seats at the Juicebox with an electronic voting device.  One pitch per at bat ask the spectators what they want to see and location:  Split finger in the dirt, slider outside, fastball right at the batter’s head.  Everyone loves a good baseball brawl.  This would just ensure you have one a game.
• FREE BEER!!! – Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  The Astros have a long a distinguished history of honoring home runs with free beer.  Don’t take my word for it… read about it through the eyes of a 12-year old.  There’s no way this can go wrong (again).  But, you’re going to have the up the ante.  Maybe, instead giving away a beer to everyone if the player hits a homer when you have an orange light on during an inning or an at bat, just give away free beers for any home run.  Just hope it doesn’t turn into another 10¢ Beer Night at Cleveland Municipal Stadium.

Just trying to help you out, Astros.  If you need any more advice, you know where to find me.

- Septimus Rex

Astros’ Attendance Suffers with Economy, Losses [Chron.com]