Since we’re talking about teams and lists to fill the summer with some sort of content, I started thinking about all the garbage the Rockets threw up on the court since our championship seasons. This was going to be another “All Time” list, but I can’t evaluate basketball players I never saw, and I moved to Houston literally the day after the Nick-the-Brick / Dream tip game. It was quite a welcome to H-Town.

So this is just a “worst starting 5 of players that actually started games since the championship seasons” list. Mainly I just wanted to figure out whether Mooch or Matt Maloney was a worst starter. Obviously it isn’t Moochie, because his barber was once interviewed and said that Mooch was the best point guard in the league because “he drop dimes”. He was doing Mooch’s hair at the time, and maybe was only trying to retain his business, but I think he might have been serious. I tried to find it on youtube, sadly no luck. On to the list…

PG – 1997/1998 Matt Maloney. Unless you love you some 8 PPG, 2.7 APG, and .404 shooting (from a white boy?!?).

According to hoopstats.com, Maloney won 15 of his head-to-head matchups, lost 33, and had 7 draws. It should be noted that he was playing against GP, John Stockton, Kevin Johnson, crossover expert and serious homophobe Tim Hardaway, and Damon Stoudamire, who killed everyone. Remember when Scottie Pippen was our backup plan if we didn’t get Damon Stouadmire? Or am I remembering that wrong?

I really wanted to put Mooch here just for the lack of any defense whatsoever, but he did drop about 5 dimes per game, and every fortnight he’d hit a few shots to boot.

So Maloney it is. He’s my white patsy. And he got killed almost every night.

SG – Pixilated 1997-1998 Rodrick Rhodes. Started 13 games for the Rox, and while this might not seem sufficient to qualify him, Rod and I have a backstory. I lived in Kentucky when he tore the country up as a slashing freshman. Then he started listening to scouts tell him he needed a J, so he did nothing but take awkward jumpers his sophomore season. Then he transferred to USC, which works out so well for so many basketball players. Then he brought his same awkward shot to the NBA for 4 seasons. The thing is, not only was his J terrible, but he could never figure out how he would fit into the flow of offense as a shooter, which is different than the Jersey/NY slasher he excelled at being for the first 17 years of his life.

In any case, 5.8 PPG, 1.9 APG, 1.2 RPG shooting .367 and .617 from the line. That’s what you get for leaving Kentucky, Roddy Boy.

 SF – 2001-2002 Glen Rice. I was really tempted to put Anthony “Pig” Miller here, but Rice scored fewer than 9 PPG on .389 shooting, including .281 from 3! If Glen Rice isn’t shooting 3s, what is he doing? He was more one-dimensional than Air Bull.

The other thing about Rice that season is that he was the highest paid player on that team – $8.8MM. Almost $9,000,000 for one season to play no defense, not pass, initiate no offense, and fail at the one thing he was supposed to do! What a turd.

PF – 2004-2005 Ryan Bowen. Lest you forget, Bowen actually STARTED 3 playoff games that season, including Game 7 against the Mavs! I still remember that game because Shane Shazam made us all go to a club with TVs to watch the game to satiate the ladies who were with us. To this day, I am still pissed because we angered the basketball gods by watching Game 7 at City Streets or wherever the hell it was. Damn you, Shane.

In any case, Bowen had this monster stat line: 2.6 PPG, 2.0 RPG, .320 FG. The numbers don’t tell the whole story. There was nary a defender within 20 feet of Bowen the entire game. This game still pisses of any true Rockets fan. Shane, you should be ashamed of yourself.

C – 2003 – 2004 Kelvin Cato. Ok, so the picture of Cato is from the Knicks, but it best captures the essence of Cato – below the rim, underperforming, getting the ball knocked away, being slighly overewight (look at the neck roll), and generally pissing everyone off. Started 67 games in 03-04 and stats can’t describe the futility but are a good place to start. 6 points and almost 7 rebounds per game, while shooting under .450. Terrible.

What made Cato truly maddening was his lazy-ass demeanor, even leading the Houston rapper Lil’ Flip to put “tell Kelvin Cato we want our money back” into one of his songs. I also knew a girl in college (not like that) who used to party with Cato at his loft. He couldn’t even pull good-looking groupies.

Terrible.

Photos from here, here, here, here, here, and here.