On Stunner Island, dollar after dollar.  Flipping chickens, getting tickets, want the money and the power.

It's the Birdman, daddy, I'm Fly in any weather

Everyone’s favorite winged, sixth seventh man has a home. Unrestricted free agent, no more, Chris Andersen signed at 5 year deal with the Denver Nuggets.  Apparently, the contract could be worth up to 26 million smackers.  That’s a lot of potential smack in which to indulge.

Birdman, you know you could have come to Houston.  It’s a safe place.  It could have been your haven.  We know that you credit the move to Denver in turning your life around, but it would have been fine here. I’m relatively certain that there isn’t even a drug dealer in this entire city. There would have been no way for you to fall off the wagon.  All we have in Houston is cotton candy, sunshine and Build-A-Bears (stuffed with heroin?).

Life is short, it’s time to give into those primal desires for that chemically induced high.  Or, if all you want is the primal desire part, there’s a mini-mart down in Friendswood just for you.

On to your Houston sports updates:

ASTROS – All the Astros get are two sentences from the Associated Press.  Since I’m an overachiever, I’m call and raise to three sentences:  “Pittsburgh Pirates beat Houston Astros 6-3 last night.  The Bucs rallied in the seventh to propel them to the win.  Boo.”

ROCKETS – Wild, trivial, speculative drivel!  50 to 1 odds for the Rockets to win the championship next year?  Drivel, I tell you!

DYNAMO – Houston beat the leader of the USL 4-0 on Wednesday to advance to the semi-finals of the US Open Soccer Somethingorother.  Next match-up (July 21 or 22) will be against a real-life MLS team!  No more USL teams for you to bully, Dynamo.  I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

TEXANS – Cush-lash is going to be a “Breakout Player in 2009.”  ESPN said so, now you can take it to the bank.  Don’t worry, just because he’s a rookie and yet to have played a down of NFL ball doesn’t mean he’s unproven.

- Septimus Rex