Gasoline, saccharine. I got no reason for the state that I’m in. But, I know what I am.

Obama was accused of throwing a beaner, but that was just by the Senate Judiciary Committe

I can sum up the 2009 All-Star game in one, compound sentence: Jonathan Papelbon (meaning the outcome wasn’t decided until late) was the winning pitcher and President Obama couldn’t make the ceremonial pitch on the fly. I could go ahead and say that Carl Crawford earned himself the MVP by making a home run saving catch, but I really don’t want to.

The rundown of your Houston Astros in the game goes a little something like this… Miguel Tejada had two ABs and didn’t manage a hit.  Hunter Pence didn’t even find his way off the pine.  How does that happen?  Isn’t this supposed to be the most useless game because everyone plays?  Seriously I don’t have anything for HP in the box score.

Well, at least Richard Justice got his “Pence Like Kid in Candy Store” (wow! look! everything’s new! the kid’s excited!) article in before the kid realized he wasn’t going to play.  I’m sure he wasn’t too happy about not making it into the line-up.  Unsolicited, Vinny Raviele has volunteered to ghost-write the “Charlie Manuel Hurt My Feelers” website (look, the domain is still available).

By the way, the American League once again beats the National League this year. I figured that expected so I wasn’t going to waste my precious character limit writing about it… oh, this isn’t twitter, never mind.

On to your Houston sports updates:

ROCKETS – NOW INTRODUCING, FROM AUSTRALIA, YOUR HOUSTON ROCKETS CENTER, DAVID ANDEEEERRRRRSEN!  That doesn’t quite have a ring to it.  That’s the strategy for the Houston Rockets, however.  In order to shore up a – how do you say – lack of depth at the center position they have traded for the rights of David Andersen.  Never played in the NBA.  Already 29 years young.  Totally going to work out.

TEXANS – Do you know what the only way to make Rex Grossman sound like a competent back-up to Schaub? “Rex Grossman is a Super Bowl Experienced QB.“  Since that was good enough to have the Chicago Bears to keep the Sex Cannon around, I’m glad we picked him before they could sink their claws into him (get it, because they’re bears).  How does a Super Bowl Experienced QB go for the league minimum?  Just ask Rex.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – Even if someone has written about this (including myself) already on our site, I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen.  Qa’rraan Calhoun isn’t coming back.  We’re not really a place for breaking news.  We don’t move at the speed of light or business or Reginald Blackstone to a sixer of Snack Packs… That wasn’t much of an apology for posting a link that’s a week old, but there you go.  Good luck to those European sports writers trying to get the first name to work against spellcheck.  I think I might break the server as soon as I publish this post. [Ed. Note - Turns out I did write about it on May 13th, but that chron.com link doesn't work anymore... Let's just pretend that never happened.]

- Septimus Rex

[Photo from SI.com]