Doin' it an' doin' it an' doin' it well

Well Tiger won his most recent tournament (and his own tournament to boot).  Tiger emerged victorious at the AT&T National.  Frankly, this is one of those tourneys that is for a very good cause in that it supports out troops.  The course was filled with soldiers wounded in battle and those currently serving on active duty.  On Sunday, the 18th hole announcers were Air Force officers, something Pipez was proud of I’m sure.  As a result, I have no problem with Tiger romping the field in this one.  And now he sits at 68 lifetime PGA Tour wins.  Simply incredible.

With the British Open approaching, it’s only fair to take a glimpse into the man that has become “the PGA.”  He’s the reason the casual fan is paying attention.  He’s the reason why I got this gig on Fourth and Fifty.  No Tiger, no Moose Knuckle.  Can you imagine a world without the Mighty MK?  I can’t.

So it seems that Tiger Woods has taken another step in his plans for interstellar domination. You might wonder, “what else does this man strive to do?”  The obvious answer is to break every record in the book.  But, his designs are on a much grander (more grand?) scale than that.

With the recent birth of his son, the Woods family is potentially set up to do something that no other family has done:  Dominate all 3 major golf tours.  Right around the time Tiger will be joining the Senior Tour, his 2 kids will be at the prime age to take over the LPGA tour and continue domination on the PGA tour.

I think this is Tiger’s sole reason for actually having children.  It is just another record that he can claim later down the road.  Little Sam will put all of Annika’s records to shame.  Michelle Wie who?  You better watch out.  If she is anything like her dad, these women will have to bow down before greatness.

And now with the birth of Charlie, well the PGA will continue to be dominated.  The transition will be seamless.  His son may even be better.  I hear they are doing great things with HGH these days.  And his crib is already being made out of recycled golf shafts.  His pillow made out of Balata.  I hear both kids can already bench 250.  I also hear that they are both going through intense mental exercises.  You know similar to how they converted Carlos Blanca in the Street Fighter movie.  Only these kids will be watching slow motion highlights of Tiger’s victories.  Of course the occasional scenes of blood lust will be thrown in for subliminal good measure.

Of course, who is to say that he will stop at just 2 kids.  Will he go to 3, 4. 5?  I mean have you seen Elin?  Personally, if I were Tiger I would just spend all my free time trying to knock her up.  Puts a whole new spin on the term playing in the rough.  Though I feel those fairways are likely groomed to perfection.

Anyway, I bet Tiger continues to produce offspring so that he can eventually start his own pro-tour.  Only his offspring will be allowed to play.  We’ll call it the TGA.  They will have their own rule book.  Fist pumps actually help to lower your score on the TGA.  The Tiger Woods foundation will only start to benefit his children alone.  So long poverty stricken youth, I’ve got my own kids now.  See ya!  Other children will dream to play on that tour, but alas they will only fail.  Sorry kid, you should have been born a Woods.  Too bad your mom wasn’t smoking hot in her early twenties.  Maybe if she had been able to suck a golf ball through a hose, you’d be the lucky kid.  There are no mulligans for you.  You are the weakest link.

Think of the marketing potential of having your own Tour.  Plus that equals a pretty solid retirement for Pops.  Not that he needs anymore cash, but he has to get his new venture off the ground.   It turns out Tiger has been heavily investing in cloning technology.  This way if he hurts anything down the road, they can just cut it off and sew on a new one.  Very 6th day.

We at FaF congratulate Tiger on his growing family and continued success.  Now if we can just get David Duval back up to par.

Say hello to your mother for me,

Moose Knuckle

[Photo from Yahoo!]