Soccer Sucks... Literally

I hate soccer, and the following is my entry into 1560’s Soccer Hater contest. Which, if I win, I will chronicle my “VIP style” trip to a Houston Dynamo game for this website.

I hate soccer because I am a true patriot. I may not wear an American flag pearl snap shirt with tight blue jeans (unlike Raheel’s skinny emo jeans) and cowboy boots while listening to Toby Keith and dipping Copenhagen. But I do love this country, and therefore I must hate soccer.

Soccer is the most anti-American sport on the face of the planet.  The United States of America is an insatiable consumer culture with attention deficit disorder, which can be exemplified by our sports. We want excitement, points, and highlights. We want big football hits, long touchdown plays, car wrecks, hockey fights, home runs, posterizing dunks, and 240 point basketball games. Americans don’t want 1-1 soccer ties where you are left with no resolution after watching 4 exciting moments spread out over 90 minutes of kicking the ball back and forth. This is why people view soccer as exciting as the WNBA.

Similarly, we want to see sports performed at the highest level. And since our economy has dictated that our most talented athletes will never be soccer players (unless our economy falls so far that all other sports go bankrupt and athletes are dependent on other countries to get paid), it will never be convenient for us to watch soccer played on its highest level due to time zones and tape delays. Nor will we ever be able to attend such events, without world cup bids or expensive international trips.

Now, don’t counter this “most talented athlete” argument with any sort of statistic regarding the number of youth soccer players. As mentioned by Chuck Klosterman in his book Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Soccer is merely an outlet for children to run around without having to cope with the fear of getting the ball and embarrassing themselves. Children can waste their time running away from the ball, and therefore the attention of the tens of parents and spectators, until they decide to grow up and become emo.

Even the TV format of soccer is anti-American, with no commercial breaks during the 45 minute halves. Our massive corperations don’t want to sponsor some team’s jersey (unless it’s the winning team), they want to throw money in to huge ad campaigns directed at the fans of both teams not just one. If one team is sponsored by Ford, and their fans throw urine bombs on the other teams, Ford may not look very good supporting a team that everyone hates. Leave this “no commercial” policy for the socialist and communist countries with lower standards of living than the USA.

Finally, soccer is ruining American sports. Look at the NBA, with all this influx of foreign talent who were raised as soccer players. Tell me one time you have enjoyed watching a 6′8″ 290 pound man fall to the court because a 5′11″  guard drove into him. Tell me the NBA wouldn’t have been better off without the likes of Anderson Verejao, Manu Ginobili or Vlade Divac.

So 1560 The Game, and the Houston Dynamo, I challenge you to convince me that it is worth my time to overcome my xenophobia and follow soccer.