Song of the Day: Christopher Denny “Time”

Everyone loves a good intro video before a sporting event with badass music and footage to get you fucking amped up and in the mood to punch babies like Steve Smith. The Cougars have a great one this year and Sumlin makes the team an intro video for every opponent that makes me spontaneously ejaculate every time I watch them. But even Sumlin has nothing on Alaskans. Alaska is known for oil spills, glaciers, salmon, and bears… and now amazing intro videos. Actually, its not even the whole state of Alaska, just the city of Fairbanks, remind me to avoid Fairbanks when traveling to Alaska. They must have a HUGE bear problem, and I’m not scared of much, but bears are on my list. My dad kills bears with his bear hands (see what I did there?), but I don’t like the fear of getting mauled or worse. I mean look at what the University of Alaska Fairbanks mascot will do to you.

That bear will fucking chase you through space with a fucking hockey stick, and then destroy not only you, but your entire city! I want none of that! The Fairbanks Grizzly’s will not be out done with their intro video

Holy Shit! How do these people, still have a city in Fairbanks???? They have Giant pick axe wielding grizzly bears in addition to space traveling polar bears! I didn’t even know that bears had the opposable thumbs to grasp axes and hockey sticks.

Mack Rhodes, if you read this, please hire someone from Fairbanks to redo our intro videos!

Houston Astros: Interviewed former Brewers manager Ned Yost yesterday for their vacant manager position. When Yost was asked what he learned about being a manager during his tenure with the Brewers, Yost replied ““Don’t lose 10 out of 13 games.” Aim high Astros, Aim high….

Houston Rockets: Won a meaningless preseason game at Toronto last night, led by Shane Battier and Pops Nambla-Bonsu. Apparently Nambla-Bonsu is a hard working fan favorite, but that doesn’t explain why he’s causing opposing player Jarrett Jack and Aaron Brooks to look like this… I think he has bad gas.

Who Farted?

Houston Texans: Are facing the surprise Bengals team with a rejuvenated Cedric Benson. I am torn, on the one hand I want the Texans to win, on the other hand I want Kubiak to be fired, because he did a good job of making everyone believe he was going to cover the over last week by calling that TAINT that Shaub threw, but then fucked us in the ass by not scoring on the 1 yard line, and then not getting the safety. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SCORE 1 POINT YOU BASTARD, AND I COVERED MY BET, YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO WIN! FUCK YOU KUBIAK, I HOPE A BEAR EATS YOUR TESTICLES! Anyway, maybe if the Texans had this guy on defense they could have stopped the Cards in the endzone and also given them nightmares afterwards.

Houston Dynamo: Is Dynamo singular like the Green Wave or plural like the word moose? Anyway, David Beckham is coming to town on Sunday for the first time. It’s Sunday, the day god intended for fantasy football, so I don’t care, but I heard some of you are gay like soccer, so there you go. If anything exciting happens I guess we’ll find out in 9 months when Victoria Beckham has a child named Houston.

Rice Owls: It’s bad when in the middle of October the main headline on the chron.com page is already looking forward to basketball season. The owls are 0-6 and making me plenty of money this year, I heard they were thinking about dropping down to 4A next year.

Houston Cougars: I am going to start off this blurb like Scampi would. The winless in C-USA Cougars, are traveling to Tulane this weekend. No one in New Orleans, including our own fans will have any idea this game is taking place as they will all be enthralled with boobs, beads, boobs, beer, boobs, and betting on stuff, which is pretty much all there is to do in New Orleans… What a boring town.