Kickin' it Old School

Ah, Homecoming. In High school, it meant trying to overcome your retardness for just one to impress the girl who you guilted into wearing a stupid fucking shiny piece of crap on her boob all day at the dance. It meant buying a cheap suit from K&G Fashion Superstore or SuitMart. And it meant embarrassment.

In college, everything would be different! We’d get laid constantly, no awkwardness, and we’d totally drink beer all the time. Only the latter happened. Instead, our awkwardness was translated into a fucking parade, and a series of skits and shitty events put on to lure Cougars on campus to giving a shit about their University. And the week usually ended with the Coogs struggling to beat the likes of Army, UAB or Tulsa before they got better.

In the last few years, Coogs have played better, and I’ve seen more and more people out at homecoming. The University seemed to realize that football is the key to everything in life, and put more effort into making the gameday experience better. Here’s a quick preview of the events at the game this week:

1) Carl Lewis!! Won some gold medals!!! He’ll be the honorary team captain this week. If there is a God, he will surely allow Carl to take the mic on the national anthem..

2) Free Shit!!! Celebrate the awesomeness of the above C to the L by being one of the first 5,000 fans, and you get a poster. 50 of you will get a signed one! That could be worth $10 on the black market for posters signed by really old athletes! Hopefully it will make it through the game and the congratulations handshakes and dog piles in the stands as we ignite the scoreboard.

3) Homecoming King and Queen We get to find out who will freeze their balls/boobs off at the Thanksgiving Day parade this year. This is always the most awkward part of the homecoming day. Everyone pretends like it matters, but is secretly hoping that it’s 100 degrees out so that we can see the candidates sweat balls at midfield.

4) Party like its 1999!! The 1999 football team will be honored during the game. Not during the actual  play of the game, that would just be absurd. Bunch of old guys standing on the field while Case dumps one to Carrier for another 14 yards. It would be madness. They’re being recognized because they went 7-4 and beat LSU.  Wow, that’s weak. Can’t we just trot out Yeoman again so all the old folks can feel nostalgic for a few hours and go home and write some checks? No one’s going to pony up the Benji’s for a live cougar if the best we can muster is a 7-4 team. Speaking of large cats…

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!!

5) FUCKING LIVE COUGARS! YES. Finally. Two cougars will prowl the parking lot. They will march in the parade to the beat of the fight song and Whooooooooooooooooooooooos Hoouuuuuuuuuuuuuse???. They will prey on small children stupid enough to wander into their path, hoping to rub the fuzzy nose of the cute kitty. Got some news for you kiddo, this isn’t a kitty, it’s a fucking killing machine. A live “Mustang” (read: a horse that won’t fucking listen to anybody, not realizing it will end up in the glue factory if it doesn’t know it’s place) will also be paraded at the game. It will serve as lunch for Shasta and Sasha. Small children alone will not satisfy them, they need a main course. Come watch as they tear the pony limb from limb, all for our bloodlust enjoyment.

Perhaps I jumped the gun a little on that one. The Cougars will be caged up, and probably drugged out of their minds so that they don’t go all psycho zoo animal on anyone. Still, this could be the beginning of having a permanent beast on campus. They will be in the parade at noon, and then outside Gate 11 until gametime.

Oh, and there’s a football game apparently. I wouldn’t call it much of a game. I don’t give a shit that SMU is 2-0 in conference play. They still blow ass. I’m expecting a good shellacking by the Cougars, a la the Northwestern state game. I think we’ll dominate from start to finish like we know we can. Hopefully this won’t give the football team any inspiration. Final Score: UH 52 SMU 24.

- Wanks MacGruber

Pic from here and a MacGruber orginal (i.e forgot where I found it)