Song of the Day: Them Crooked Vultures – “New Fang”

Fuck you, ESPN. I stole your picuture anyway.

Ah, the Eagles. Those of winged helmets, battery throwing fans and Kevin Kolb’s contract. I love you more this week than I did last. Not because of my hometown bias, but because you continue to make me money. Long live the fickle Philly game plan. The Eagles 10 point victory over the Washington Redskins last night shored up yet another perfect week in my NFL bets (by the way, fuck you Houston for nearly shitting the bed and canceling more than half the money I would have won in that parlay).

Do you know how much better sports are when you bet on them (and I assume “win on them” would be the correct variation)? We all try to get our fill with our fantasy football teams every week, but it really doesn’t do the trick.  You need cold hard cash (stashed in an overseas account) to throw down on a single game. Reginald Blackstone was correct, this is a completely viable way to manage a retirement fund*.

So for those of us that have joined us in our Pick’em Group on Yahoo to battle us head-to-head for the right to post your very own Fourth and Fifty article you know what I mean. Unless of course you’re Donkey Punch. Donkey Punch is apparently very good at following instructions and making sure to fulfill all requirements to be eligible for points in the Pick’Em. It’s a good thing that he’s a lawyer. Our judiciary system is in good hands. (DP, send me an email so we can figure out how to fix your snafu)

On to you Houston sports updates:

DYNAMO – The playoffs are only a few days away. With the Dynamo win over Chivas USA on Sunday they shored up the #2 spot in the playoff tree behind the LA Bekhams. With the Texans traveling to Buffalo to take on Terrel Owens and whoever it is the Bills have at Quarterback these days it should give the city a chance to take in all that futbol has to offer. The Dynamo play the Seattle Sounders in Seattle… Wait. Where’s the home-field advantage. It’s an away-and-home set up? What the hell is that? Where’s my three-game series? Soccer, you’ve done it to me again!

TEXANS – The Texans are heating up. That’s an interesting turn of phrase these days. Winning two in a row is a borderline hot streak. Shit, let’s not kid ourselves. The Texans are on fire right now. A three-game win streak is an anomaly that Houston’s only achieved once. In fact, if the Texans ever manage to win four games in a row I recommend rushing the field. It’s the cool thing to do. Especially when you beat an unranked Big 12 team that will eventually get crushed by the Aggies (this is the Coogs section of the Smear, right?).

ASTROS – Futility knows no bounds. This is something that the Astros and Manny Acta have in common. This is why they are soulmates. The Astros acted accordingly offering Acta the manager’s position with the baseball club the other day which was promptly denied. Let’s get this straight, ‘Stros. You offered a contract to a man that’s lost more than 100 games in two years with the Washington Nationals, a man that played in your system for more than a decade and a half and he turned you down. That, my friends, is futility.

ROCKETS – The season opener is tonight against the Portland Trailblazers. I’m sure that TRG would want to say something here. It would probably be an obscure reference to some cult film of the mid 80’s. I, fortunately, don’t have such trivial nonsense floating around in my brain. So the best thing that I can do is link back to something that TRG has already penned. To get you ready for the opener tonight I recommend you turn to the FaF Player Profile: Joel Przybilla. That should do the trick.

If you want actual information leading up to tonight’s game, I recommend the Rockets Notes from the Chron. It’s where we get ALL of our watered down journalist information.

UNIVERSITY of HOUSTON – This article by JOOOOOOOOOOHNNNNNNNNNN ROOOOOOYYYYYYYALLLLLL caused quite the stir in the Houston fan forums yesterday. But, let me give you a little bit of insight into THE John Royal. We’ve had our fair share of run-ins with the douche spectacular. Have you ever seen him? Seriously, check the sidelines at the next home game. If there was ever a journalist that looked more like he was wearing a soiled diaper than Scampi, it would be John Royal. He just stands there at the edge of the endzone waddling back and forth with a sourpuss look on his face and a yellow legal pad in his hand. When you do in fact see this train wreck of humanity, yell down to him. Tell him that Fourth and Fifty says hello. He’ll appreciate that.

- Septimus Rex

Pick’em Standings: