Each week, or when we feel like putting effort into it, FaF will size up our opponent, and provide you, our faithful readers, with plenty of fodder for hating the opposing team. Because that’s what we do at FaF. We don’t cheer our team on in a good-natured manner, to remain “classy” or “sportsmanlike” or “respectful”. We bring the mother effin’ pain in the form of the truth! If you can’t handle it, go reminisce about the Veer on Coogfans! This is the new era of UH, where we take no prisoners and rape and pillage on our way to championships! For at least one post a week we abandon our “Houston. Sports. Satire.” by-line and bring the “Houston. Sports. Swagger.”

Who is that little man in the corner? Well, if you weren’t with us last week you might have missed him. I suggest reading the Tulsa Recap or maybe just go ahead and skip on over to the picture via this link. This guy is obviously trying to make celebrity domestic abuse cool again (as it’s gone the way of the buffalo since Tyson).  Who are we, Fourth and Fifty to stop him. Oh, he’ll be popping up around here a lot… and, I think the perfect test run is one of these here Opponent Essentials. I’m going to lovingly dub him “Chad.”

The Cougars are coming off of one of the most exciting games that I’ve ever seen in my life, ever. For-ev-er (Forever-ever?). Half of the city hasn’t really gotten over the heart palpitations that it caused. But, that matters not. Our god is our schedule and he says “you will play Saturday against the mighty University of Central Florida.” We’re not nihilists around here. We obey.

1) O’Leary’s Pants are on Fire – Conference USA has a secret motto: “Where disgraced coaches come to coach.” Look at UTEP… Now, take a look at UCF. Yep, the man at the helm of the Golden Knights George O’Leary… this same George O’leary. Georgeypoo made it even less time than Mike Price, and that’s sayin’ something. Though, when it comes down to it, we can say his tenure with Notre Dame was more successful than Charlie “Fupa” Weiss. That’s right, UCF… You lured the most successful coach Notre Dame’s had in the past decade. See that? They call me a “Spinologist.”

2) O’Leary May Set Your Pants on Fire – Do NOT try to scoop George O’Leary. There is no other path for information about UCF other than George O’Leary. What George O’Leary tells you is the gospel. He is a modern-day NCAA prophet. And, if you find some other “way” in all of this you might be kicked out of his press conference (OH NOEZ!). Even worse, he might set you aflame with his eyes. He set that bush on fire and made it talk. What makes you think he can’t do it with just his gaze. Fucking get over yourself, my man.

3) UCF is kind of Racisty – Why is there always a story about racism in the Opponent Essentials… Oh, that’s right. Because the actions of the few end up being attributed to the many. Just like “Chad” up top. Either way, come sit on my knee little boy (no homo/no pedo) and let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, 52 years ago, UCF didn’t let a team from Buffalo play because they had negroes African American footballers on the squad. This year, Buffalo came on back down to flaccid state hanging off the union to play a game of football. UCF chose to honor the occasion the only way they knew how… By having a “white out.” Oh, the irony isn’t lost on anyone. Let’s move on.

4) Don’t Let a Golden Knight Do Your Taxes – They like to throw money away. They douse it in gasoline and torch the green stuff just for the hell of it. Never let them touch your receipts. You. Will. Be. Fucked. This must be the case because when Michael Marcus Jordan came to campus they took hundred dollar bills and shoved them in a shredder so they could have a parade with confetti money. You know, because Marcus takes after his Daddy and is a stellar basketball player *cough* they wanted to show their appreciation. Why else would they let the man where his Air Jordans (he earned them)? Oh, because they have a apparel contract worth MILLIONS of DOLLARS with Adidas? You don’t say… and if Marcus wears his father’s footwear the contract goes void? Well, shiver me timbers. That just happened. I hope that single point was worth it.

5) Water, Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink – New stadium? Sweet. Not enough water to go around? Smart. Seriously, what better way to move beer sales… Oh, wait… No drinking of the alcoholz at your facility. My bad. So, what have we learned today? Golden Knights make not accountants or municipal authorities. The job pool is getting deeper and deeper by the second.

6) UCF Fans Thirsty for Anything – Must have booze. Must have right to drink booze. Arrrrrrrgh. Give us our tailgating time or give us death no football at all. Actually, this is a pretty commendable fight. I get particularly angry when Jeff the Triathelete Best at Exercising comes around and tries to make me leave the tailgate every week. I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t had eight solid hours of drinking before then. No problems here, UCF. Carry on.

7) 867-5309 – You may as well dial that number (with the appropriate area code of course) if you’re trying to reach the UCF athletic department. You might have better luck than if you dialed the number that they distributed to the media for a conference call. Then again… Maybe that was George O’Leary on the other line. You can’t blame a man for trying to make a couple extra bucks on the side by talking dirty to them over the phone. I guy’s gotta do, what a guy’s gotta do.

- Septimus Rex