Mayfield Needs Some Methorette

Honey I love you, but your mother is donezo.

Honey I love you, but your mother is donezo.

I just figured out GlaxoSmithKline’s new market. Meth quitting aids will be behind the counter of ever CVS in the country in a matter of weeks.  Methorette, Methoderm, Meth90X… whatever.  Just like all those aids to quit smoking have virtually eliminated the cigarette from the American public, so will meth disappear, right?

Jeremy Mayfield, after failing a second drug test due to showing levels of methamphetamine in his system, has been kicked to the NASCAR curb. There will be no more left turns.  Right turns will be on a case by case basis with an option for parole. NASCAR has asked a Charlotte judge to reinstate an indefinite suspension from their “sport” because of this second positive testing.  Apparently they don’t want to have somebody who is taking a drug which side affects include (take it away wikipedia):

Physical Effects

Physical effects can include anorexia , hyperactivity, dilated pupils, flushing, restlessness, dry mouth, headache, tachycardia, bradycardia, tachypnea, hypertension, hypotension, hyperthermia, diaphoresis, diarrhea, constipation, blurred vision, aphasia, dizziness, muscle twitches, insomnia, numbness, palpitations, arrhythmias, tremors, dry and/or itchy skin, acne, pallor, and with chronic and/or high dosages, convulsions, heart attack, stroke and death can occur.

Psychological effects

Psychological effects can include euphoria, anxiety, increased libido, increased alertness, increased concentration, increased energy, increased self-esteem, increased self-confidence, increased excitation, increased orgasmic intensity, increased sociability, increased irritability, increased aggression, psychomotor agitation, hubris, excessive feelings of power and/or superiority, repetitive and/or obsessive behaviors, paranoia, and with chronic and/or high doses, amphetamine psychosis can occur.


Yeah, I can see how one might want to keep someone from driving a car in excess of 200mph because of any one of the above listed. Nobody wants a horny redneck with a bad case of acne behind the wheel of a death machine. They made an exception for Joey Logano, but he’s barely 18… give the kid a break until his balls drop.

Mayfield, according to his birth certificate, is a grown ass man. Not only that, he’s a grown ass man that’s making way too much money for driving a car with “All-Sport” across his windshield (“This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love All-Sport“).  He already failed a test once.  How does he manage to do it again?

And, the best part? His stepmother threw him under the bus! She told officials that she had seen Mayfield use no less than 30 times AND he used to make it in his house. Blood’s thicker than water… but a bitch marrying your daddy don’t count for shit, apparently.

I really just can’t wait for the excuses to come rolling in.  I really, really hope he picks the one where he tells everyone he tested positive because of a kiss he shared with a woman (yeah, that happened).

Either way, Mayfield needs to go on a meth diet. He needs to join whatever Meth Heads Anonymous group that Chris Andersen and Josh Hamilton enrolled in.  The next best scenario is he writes his memoir about being in a rehab clinic, calls it “A Million Little Seatbelts,” makes a fortune because Oprah endorses him only to be found out a fraud afterward and his stepmother was making it all up all along.

– Septimus Rex


  1. “increased orgasmic intensity [and] hubris?”

    Where the heck did I leave my cold medicine and rubbing alcohol?

    While I’m cooking…this truly is a dark dark day for NESCAR.

  2. Doing meth was just his way of identifying with the fans.

    He should be applauded for his marketing savvy.

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